Huffington Post
THE BLOG
My Battle With Depression and Anxiety
Marisa Lancione 10/12/14 11:11 AM ET
Living with a chronic mental illness often feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, the proverbial shoe has dropped (it's stylish at least). I've been struggling for a while, but I'm finally coming around to admitting it. Despite seeing therapists on and off for nearly 10 years, I still find it hard to communicate how I feel. But even more difficult is being honest with myself about how I am feeling. So I guess this is sort of a litmus test. Will confessing how I feel get me out of denial or will I continue to keep my head in the sand and ignore it?
I've been battling semi-regular panic attacks for the past six months. My first panic attack in years happened in March. As with most panic attacks, they happen at the most inopportune moments. This particular one happened during the middle of a concert. I was at a bar that was packed with drunk hipsters, tossing their bodies carelessly to the music. I began to feel claustrophobic among the ever-increasing press. The bass of the music reverberated in my chest, amplifying my pounding heart. The bar was too hot. The walls were closing in on me. I couldn't catch my breath. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I had to get out of there. My husband and I snaked our way through the crowded bar, each time someone bumped into me, a jolt of adrenaline coursed through me like an electric current. By the time we made it to the door, I was in the throes of a full-blown panic attack.
These situations are incredibly frustrating. As I was leaning against the building, among the smokers and couples making out, I couldn't help but cry. I was having such a great evening before this. My husband and I enjoyed an incredible dinner before the concert. We were hanging out with friends, listening to an amazing band. And then I had to leave before they finished their set. Compounding my anxiety was the fact that the friends I was with had no idea what was happening. As we left, I mumbled excuses about having to catch the last metro.
Panic attacks are like getting the stomach flu right before an event. Except instead of knowing before that you were cancelling to puke in the safety of your home, you're suddenly vomiting in public (lovely imagery, I know) and rushing out of the door.
After this first attack, I started seeing a therapist (who was a former psychiatrist) for the first time in about four years. She's an incredibly lovely lady. She suggested that I exercise more and cut out caffeine and sugar. I started working out every day, reduced my caffeine (I haven't had a coffee that wasn't decaf in three months) and tried to avoid sugar as much as humanly possible. Except, none of this helped and the panic just got worse.
As my anxiety levels increased to nearly intolerable levels, sleep became a joke (despite already taking medication that is supposed to help me sleep). I can't tell you the last time I have slept through the night. Finally in May, after not sleeping for about four days, I was given anti-anxiety medication. I often pair my nighttime pill with my anti-anxiety meds, but I still wake up in semi-terror, feeling like I have forgotten something important. Other nights I just toss and turn unable to sleep at all.
But lately, it's more than panic plaguing me. An encompassing sadness has attached itself to me like a shadow -- following me wherever I go, no matter what I do. I've had this feeling before, it's certainly not new to me. It's just been a while. I know it's depression waiting in the wings. I know that if I don't fight it hard enough, it will envelope me completely. So everyday I force myself out of bed and go to work. I force myself to keep plans and socialize because I know that if I don't, I'd spend my weekends in bed, reading or watching TV until Monday. I know that depression is never fought by being a hermit. Sometimes it works and I end up enjoying myself out with friends but other times, I just wish I was in bed.
Nothing comes easily right now -- including writing this. Stringing words together has always come easily to me and it's frustrating to feel like there's a dam blocking my flow of words (perhaps that's why I resorted to a scatalogical simile earlier).
But the worst part of all of this is watching the concern on my husband's face. I know as I stare silently into space as we watch TV, his mind is running through worst case scenarios. Is she thinking about killing herself? Is this going to result in another hospital stay? Will I catch her self-harming? How concerned do I need to be?
You may be thinking that these scenarios may seem a bit extreme, but the fact is that we've gone through all of them, and only four short years ago. My parents have been extremely supportive through the ups and downs of my illness, but they don't have a choice -- I'm their kid. My husband always had the option to leave and he didn't -- even when I have repeatedly encouraged him to.
Even if his worst case scenarios have happened in the past, the reality of this recent sadness (I am still reticent to name it depression, for now) is that I'm not in that headspace. I refuse to resort to self-harm at 28 years old. I'm not thinking of suicide as a viable option because I see the value of my life. And for the first time in my illness, I'm actually taking positive steps to help stave off depression.
The first step was recognizing the persisting sadness -- it's been longer than a week, this is more than a bad mood. The second step was making an appointment with my therapist. And the third, and probably the most important step, was sharing how I was feeling with my husband and parents (my main support system). This third step has always given me the most trouble.
It's not that these steps will guarantee that I will ward off a full blown depressive episode. I'm terrified that it could still happen. I'm intimidated by the thought of changing my medications and dealing with new side effects. I'm scared that I might have to take a leave from my job. I'm horrified by the potential of another hospital stay.
But at the end of the day, even if all of this happens, at least I know I tried. And that's something.
A version of this piece originally appeared on Healthy Minds Canada.
Have a story about depression that you'd like to share? Email strongertogether@huffingtonpost.com, or give us a call at (860) 348-3376, and you can record your story in your own words. Please be sure to include your name and phone number.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Panic attacks and anxiety- what is it?
“For me, a panic attack is almost
a violent experience. I feel disconnected from reality. I feel like I’m losing
control in a very extreme way. My heart pounds really hard, I feel like I can’t
get my breath, and there’s an overwhelming feeling that things are crashing in
on me.”
“It started 10 years ago, when I had just graduated from college and started a new job. I was sitting in a business seminar in a hotel and this thing came out of the blue. I felt like I was dying.”
“In between attacks there is this dread and anxiety that it’s going to happen again. I’m afraid to go back to places where I’ve had an attack. Unless I get help, there soon won’t be anyplace where I can go and feel safe from panic.”
"I can't be in or around people. I feel like I can't breathe and my heart starts pounding. How can I go to the grocery store?"
My first panic attack occurred on the way back home to Tennessee. My husband was driving and my heart rate felt like it was going thru the roof. I felt doomed like I was having a heart attack on the interstate. We found an ER and sped there. I was hooked up to a monitor, my heart rate was elevated but not high. I was released and we continued on our way. The entire trip was the trip from hell. I did not feel like me 99% the time while home. I felt like I would never be able to relax. I went back to the ER later in the trip and ended up having a stress test. My heart was fine and that was when I learned what panic attacks were and how they felt.
Panic disorder is a real illness that can be successfully treated. It is characterized by sudden attacks of terror, usually accompanied by a pounding heart, sweatiness, weakness, faintness, or dizziness. During these attacks, people with panic disorder may flush or feel chilled; their hands may tingle or feel numb; and they may experience nausea, chest pain, or smothering sensations. Panic attacks usually produce a sense of unreality, a fear of impending doom, or a fear of losing control.
A fear of one’s own unexplained physical symptoms is also a symptom of panic disorder. People having panic attacks sometimes believe they are having heart attacks, losing their minds, or on the verge of death. They can’t predict when or where an attack will occur, and between episodes many worry intensely and dread the next attack.
Panic attacks can occur at any
time, even during sleep. An attack usually peaks within 10 minutes, but some symptoms
may last much longer." (NIMH, 2014)
“It started 10 years ago, when I had just graduated from college and started a new job. I was sitting in a business seminar in a hotel and this thing came out of the blue. I felt like I was dying.”
“In between attacks there is this dread and anxiety that it’s going to happen again. I’m afraid to go back to places where I’ve had an attack. Unless I get help, there soon won’t be anyplace where I can go and feel safe from panic.”
"I can't be in or around people. I feel like I can't breathe and my heart starts pounding. How can I go to the grocery store?"
My first panic attack occurred on the way back home to Tennessee. My husband was driving and my heart rate felt like it was going thru the roof. I felt doomed like I was having a heart attack on the interstate. We found an ER and sped there. I was hooked up to a monitor, my heart rate was elevated but not high. I was released and we continued on our way. The entire trip was the trip from hell. I did not feel like me 99% the time while home. I felt like I would never be able to relax. I went back to the ER later in the trip and ended up having a stress test. My heart was fine and that was when I learned what panic attacks were and how they felt.
Panic disorder is a real illness that can be successfully treated. It is characterized by sudden attacks of terror, usually accompanied by a pounding heart, sweatiness, weakness, faintness, or dizziness. During these attacks, people with panic disorder may flush or feel chilled; their hands may tingle or feel numb; and they may experience nausea, chest pain, or smothering sensations. Panic attacks usually produce a sense of unreality, a fear of impending doom, or a fear of losing control.
A fear of one’s own unexplained physical symptoms is also a symptom of panic disorder. People having panic attacks sometimes believe they are having heart attacks, losing their minds, or on the verge of death. They can’t predict when or where an attack will occur, and between episodes many worry intensely and dread the next attack.
Six million people suffer from panic attacks. Women are twice as likely to have panic attacks as men. Panic attacks are one form of anxiety. Others include OCD, PTSD, Social anxiety, Generalized Anxiety and specific phobias. All of the various types of anxiety have some common symptoms. The common symptoms include excessive, irrational fear and dread. Other symptoms can be shortness of breath, sweating, racing thoughts, inability to think clearly or rationally, and loss of control. Anxiety is basically fear of loss of control.
Ways to deal with anxiety include: stress management, along with meditation, aerobic activity, therapy to address the triggers of anxiety, and medications if prescribed by a MD.
I dealt with my anxiety by meditation, walking, and finding ways to reduce my stress level. I practice what I teach. Deep breathing, visual meditation, and becoming aware of my stress level keeps me in control of me. If you need help, there is more information listed below and please feel free to contact me and I will help you as well.
For more information:
- Anxiety Disorders
Information and Organizations from NLM's MedlinePlus (en Español)
- Panic Disorder Information and Organizations from NLM's MedlinePlus (en Español)
Monday, October 6, 2014
Who am I and What do I do?
Hi, I am Amy. I am a counselor. I like to help people who have been beaten up by life. People who have wounded hearts. Life is tough. We get beat up by family issues and family members, sickness, divorce, loss of a job, loss of a friend, and ourselves. I know. I have been wounded before. I bet you have too. So, why come talk to me about it? Well, I keep secrets. You can tell me anything (except for 5 things that I must report per ethics and law) and I won't tell anyone else. I can listen to you and provide you with guidance. I am trained and licensed to do this by the State of Texas. I know you may be thinking, I can talk to my friend and they can do that. Well, maybe they can but they may not be bound by law and ethics to keep your stuff quiet and secret like I am. I am also not emotionally close to you and sometimes can see things people can't see when they are emotionally close to you. Silly example but would your friend tell you that you look ugly in that dress when you have gushed on and on about how you love it and how it makes you feel? Probably not because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I will tell you if I feel it is important to your overall feeling better. I will be brutally honest with you.
Now a little more about me: I am an empathetic, fun loving and compassionate counselor. I believe people want to improve their situations. I have 20 years experience working with troubled teens in and out of juvenile court, domestic violence situations, CPS work that included assessment of home situations, homeless families training them in lifestyle improvements, individual with drug & alcohol recovery. I have a warm and energetic style that has allowed my clients to share their victories, celebrate with laughter, allow the slow grieving to process, and I have had to show tough love moments with my clients. My experience has prepared my to counsel adults, families, couples and children that have special set of circumstances. I have worked and continue to work with individuals who are developmentally delayed in groups home and foster homes. I use an integrated approach of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Rogerian Therapy. I along with the client will use the therapy suited to the client where they are at in their time of need. I have experience in a wide variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, grieving a loss, mood disorders, anger issues, PTSD, stress management, Trauma Focused CBT and self esteem.
Now a little more about me: I am an empathetic, fun loving and compassionate counselor. I believe people want to improve their situations. I have 20 years experience working with troubled teens in and out of juvenile court, domestic violence situations, CPS work that included assessment of home situations, homeless families training them in lifestyle improvements, individual with drug & alcohol recovery. I have a warm and energetic style that has allowed my clients to share their victories, celebrate with laughter, allow the slow grieving to process, and I have had to show tough love moments with my clients. My experience has prepared my to counsel adults, families, couples and children that have special set of circumstances. I have worked and continue to work with individuals who are developmentally delayed in groups home and foster homes. I use an integrated approach of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Rogerian Therapy. I along with the client will use the therapy suited to the client where they are at in their time of need. I have experience in a wide variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, grieving a loss, mood disorders, anger issues, PTSD, stress management, Trauma Focused CBT and self esteem.
As a former director of a delinquent girls halfway house and an
assistance director to a shelter for homeless individuals and families,I know important it is to relate to individuals where they are at without
judgement but with compassion and as equals.
I have been noted by others for going above and beyond in the
counseling experience by linking with community resources to meet needs outside
of the counseling purview. I guide my clients through their journey and assists them in finding joy in the
journey.
Licensure:
•
Licensed Professional Counselor, TX
Education:
•
B.S. -East Tennessee State University, Johnson
City, TN
•
M.S.
in Counseling- Capella University, Minneapolis, MN.
Populations Served included children, teenagers, adults, couples
and families.
Treatment Offered:
•
mood disorder/bipolar
•
depression/sadness
•
anxiety/panic/worry
•
PTSD
•
domestic violence victims
•
grief/loss
•
life transitions, divorce, breakup, job loss,
•
conflict resolution
•
communication
skills, stress management, relaxation techniques
•
mood management
•
boundaries
•
parenting
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)