Attitude of gratitude

During the holiday season, stress can run high, tensions among family members can grow big, and patience can run low. When you feel the stress rising and you're about to snap, take a moment and  breathe deep and say thank you. Having and developing an attitude of gratitude can change your perspective. How do we develop an attitude of gratitude? Take a few moments and either write or say out loud what are you thankful for or who you are thankful for. Again breathe deep, smile and say thank you. 

How Productive are you?

Do you have days that it seems you can't move forward and for every step forward you take two back? Me too. Here are some productivity tips from the Productive Woman podcast.

•manage emails- check only every few hours and organize them in a style that works for you, i.e. By client, author, etc. 

• make your workspace comfortable and efficient. De-clutter the paper monster. When a paper passes on to your desk, do something with it, file it, read and trash, complete, whatever. 

• check the desk height and chair height. Ergonomically aligned chairs and desk aid in comfort. 

• Add a plant or two, or music or pictures to inspire your creativity

• communicate with your office mates, delegate if you can, and set boundaries if you have a deadline that cannot be missed. 

Transitions

Transitions can be good, hard, challenging, and new.  We work with people who are in transition a lot. New home, new job, new life, new feelings, new thoughts, We all go through transitions. 

I am in transition right now. I am saying hello to a new set of colleagues and good bye to another set.  Good byes are bitter sweet. I am choosing not to look at them as a good bye but "we'll have to catch up over tea!" (Shout out to KM!) 

Point is, transitions are what you make of them. If you go in with excitement to learn and grow, it's good. Go in with less positive thoughts, well it can be dicey. Appreciate the past, learn, and look brightly to the future. 

On the journey, 

Amy

Therapeutic Story Telling

She Tells Her Grandma That She’s Just Been Cheated On So Grandma Tells Her To Do This

This is a good lesson for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Communication, communication, communication

Misunderstanding communication can create such a messy situation. How many times have you been in an argument with someone you care about due to a misunderstanding of what was being said?  I have multiple times.

What are the reasons behind the misunderstandings or miscommunication? Misunderstandings, resulting from poor communication, can easily cause a conflict or make it worse. Further, once a conflict has started, communication problems often develop because people in conflict do not communicate with each other as frequently, as openly, and as accurately as they do when relationships are not strained. Thus communication is central to most conflict situations.

Communication involves at least two parties--the speaker and the listener. Sometimes there are third parties: in-between people who carry messages from one person to another, or the media, for example, which has such transmission of information as its primary goal. Problems can develop at all three of these sources. (http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/problem/commprob.htm)  Remember the pass the secret game where one person shares a secret with another and it goes around the circle until everyone has heard the secret.  Most all of the times, I have played that game, the secret had become a totally different statement. Tone of voice, inflection and emphasis on wording can change the intention of the of the message.  Body language, volume of voice as well as eye contact can influence how a message is received.  

So how do we fix our communication gaps or failures? One easy and effective solution is to ask for clarification if you didn’t understand the statement.  Other ways include:

-Try not to rush. If you sound rushed and distracted when you say something, people may think you are not interested or feel offended, because it seems like they are unimportant to you.  If you do happen to be rushed, provide the other person with a brief explanation that you are very busy with something now, but do want to talk with later, so either you or they can contact you again.

-Confirm you’re on the same page. Often breakdowns occur because someone has false assumptions about someone or about something they expect someone to do and communicate based on those assumptions.  

-Practice active listening. Communication breakdowns also occur when people don’t allow time for others to ask questions or don’t take time to listen carefully to others themselves.  Ask questions if you don’t understand. Another approach is to invite someone to provide a brief recap of what they think you said. (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/4-ways-to-fix-communication-breakdowns.html#ixzz3fKAwMDlr)

http://www.amycolecounseling.com/

a different kind of blog post

I would like to talk a little about lessons learned in life.  some are lessons I have learned, some are from other people.  some are common sense lessons and others are harder to understand. feel free to add your lessons as well in the comments:

• don't quit.  no matter how hard, how long, how awful or how it makes you feel, don't quit it. 
• eat ice cream before it melts. 
• budget money and time wisely
• never quit learning
• have one day a week to rest
• pamper yourself
• praise yourself
• step out of your comfort zone
• challenge your belief system
• find a hobby you love
• do the hobby you love
• be intentional about keeping up with friends
• love others
• love yourself
• spend time with family
• furbabies are family too
• be a kid again
• color outside the lines
• break the rules every so often
• listen to other people's stories
• smile
• laugh
• cry
• travel local
• travel abroad
• listen to music, all kinds of music
• hang out with people you love
• learn tolerance
• open your mind and listen to other's points of view
• do a new activity once a week
• list 3 things you are grateful for once a week
• spend time alone
• spend time in a crowd
• take a walk in the rain
• listen to the birds 
• unplug once a week
• try a new food
• eat a comfort food
• don't be afraid
• share with others
• play nice
• dress up and go for a fancy dinner
• help someone you don't know
• volunteer
• talk to your parents, grandparents and great grandparents about their childhoods and record it
• say good morning, good night and I love you
• say I love you a lot
• remember your life is a blip in time
• dare to dream big
• believe in your self
• don't let others tell you how your feel
• don't let one bad thing ruin a day
• be at peace with yourself
• life is too short so enjoy it

Peace, 

Amy

for counselors's eyes only

The benefits of working nights.  I work at a hospital at night. It is fast paced some nights and we get swamped.  It has and continues to enhance my skills as a counselor.  If you want to experience how to really work with individuals in crisis, work at a hospital for a few months.  You will see all kinds of crisis and it pull at your heart strings.  As a caregiver, it can be hard to seperate your emotions from your work and sometimes we shouldn't, but we cannot carry the burden of someone's load all the time and not feel it.  I work with a great and awesome team.  We support one another through the rough nights and have fun during the good nights. We all bring different perspectives, experiences and talents to the table.  I have learned much and will continue to grow.  

One important lesson, do not, I repeat DO NOT neglect your self care.  You are no good to your client/patient nor are you any good to your team.  Take advantage of time off to fill your bucket up so you won't be empty when you go to work.  If you don't about bucket filling, get Tom Rath's book on How Full is  Your Bucket? (amazon or itunes).  

Peace and enjoy your day in the sunshine

Love this song!!!!

I enjoy country music. Yes, I admit it I ENJOY country music. And there is a relatively new song by Kristin Bush on his album Southern Gravity called Trailor Hitch.  The chorus goes " I don't know why know why everybody wanna die rich, champaign, new plane, work your Way down that list, we try, everybody tries to fit it into that ditch, you can't take with you when you go, I've never seen a hearse with a Trailer hitch!"  ( I cannot add a link via mobile but look it up on itunes)

Why am I writing about the Trailer Hitch song, well how many of us are working ourselves into an early grave after things that we can't take with us when we go?  This is not a rant about money but about what is important your life. Is having nicer things more important than physical health, time with loved ones, seeing children grow up? 

Check yourself and your priorities. 

Peace!!!!!

Know your benefits!!!!!

I am almost through with week 2 at the hospital I am working at. Hospitals are about helping people and making money. Money keeps the doors open and employees there to help patients. Which brings me to my point of the blog. It surprises me how many people do not know what their behavioral health insurance benefits are or what benefits they have through work. They don't look at it until a crisis arrives. Please review your insurance benefits and employee assistance benefits. The time of a crisis is not the time to figure out where your insurance is accepted and what type of care you have. A day of treatment for the facility I work at cost 900.00/day on average. That's is a lot when you have to pay it out of pocket. 

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, Psychotherapist and author of "75 Habits for a Happy Marriage" talks about ways to Destress without leaving your Chair

There is definitely a time for action. Like when you wake up at 3 a.m. and hear water pouring out from somewhere in your house after you've just returned home from a winter vacation and it turns out that your frozen pipes are bursting (not that I'm speaking from actual experience, or anything). In that moment of stress, it's probably not the best time to sit and meditate on your dilemma.

Don't just sit there, do something! Happily for me, my husband leapt out of bed, ran through the basement (naked, mind you) and shut off all water in the house until he could isolate the offending pipe. The amygdala, the part of the brain that identifies danger and then activates the body for fight or flight, is quite good at reacting to potential danger. A little too good, you might say.

For many of us, the stressors of high-paced, nonstop modern living chronically stimulate our amygdala, thus keeping our bodies in a state we call stress. We become so locked into high alert that we remain stressed out even though no danger actually lurks around the corner. While a single stress response can be critical, chronic stress is a health hazard.

Often our well-meaning leisure activities, our attempts to lower our stress levels -- such as going on vacation, going to a yoga class, engaging in our hobbies, or even having a massage -- fail to keep our stress levels down. Why? Because, 1. we get stressed just trying to fit these activities into our busy lives (and paying for them) and 2. the moments of relaxation we might experience often don't carry over into our day to day living.

So, how can you truly restore yourself, simply and effectively, every day? Don't just do something, sit there. Right there, in your chair. After all, it's the small moments of peace through your day that make a big difference to your stress level. In my book,Shortcuts to Inner Peace, I offer a compendium of effective relaxation techniques. Read on to learn eight of them. Whether it's in your desk chair or your recliner, just sit, relax, and restore.

The first four practices you can do with your eyes open while the last four practices can be done with your eyes shut. You may find setting a timer for 1-5 minutes helpful.

1. Daydream by gazing out your window -- I know that your teachers told you to stop staring out the window and focus on your work. But now your objective is to let your work go for a few minutes. Start with a long exhale and then let your gaze wander. Notice what's happening in the outside world. Just notice. Feel how your body relaxes as you redirect your mind away from stressful thoughts. Especially fun is to imagine a feel good fantasy -- romantic, heroic, or otherwise. Daydreaming is not only relaxing, but it can actually help boost your creativity.

2. Investigate a small object, looking for details -- It's remarkable how you can look at the same objects every day but actually not see a thing. Take a moment to look at something within reach and really notice the details. Explore the color nuances, the textures, the shadows, the design. Discover the hidden aspects of your stapler, your favorite pen, the picture on the wall, the shell in your desk drawer. Notice how your mind redirects as you go on an adventure into the micro-landscapes around you.

3. Tap on your body from the feet up -- Use your knuckles to gently tap your way up your body. Focus your attention on the sensations. Start with your feet and move up your calves to your thighs. Tap along your torso and up each arm. Use your finger tips to gently tap your face. When you redirect your attention toward physical sensations, you may notice that your thoughts subside. Energy medicine considers tapping an important way to help relieve stress and revitalize your energy.

4. Doodle -- Put pen to paper and let yourself meander. Doodling is another way to jumpstart your creative side. Give your left brain a rest and let your right brain wake up. When we move our attention away from goal-directed activity during doodling, our "attention system" is relaxed. So give your left brain a break, stimulate creative juices and have fun!

5. Close your eyes and Listen -- Listen to the sounds around you. Isolate your sense of hearing, letting yourself notice and label each sound that you hear: "dog barking, car honking, copy machine, colleagues gossiping, rain pounding, etc." Slow the spiral of stressful thinking by bringing yourself fully into the present moment. Mindful listening clears the mind and has the effect of rebooting your system.

6. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a fantastic vacation -- Take a moment and travel back in time to a wonderful trip. Or picture a fabulous destination that you've always wanted to visit. Use details to imagine the temperature, the sights, the sounds, the smells. Replay a favorite place, detail by detail. Notice how your body responds to pleasant, relaxing thoughts, almost as if you are actually there. Take a deep breath. Consider this your "Calgon take me away!" moment.

7. Close your eyes and breathe -- Your breath is like a portable spa. It's so obvious, so ever-present, and yet we rarely think to harness its potent powers. While there are many breathing exercises to consider, I personally suggest the 4-7-8 breath, an ancient breathing pattern taught by Dr. Andrew Weil. Breathe in for the count of 4, hold your breath to the count of 7, and exhale your breath, breathing out through your mouth as if breathing through a straw, to the count of 8. The pairing of an exhale that is twice as long as the inhale is especially relaxing.

8. Close your eyes and scan your body -- Start with the top of your head and "scan" down, slowly checking in with your body. As you scan, imagine warmth spreading from the top of your head, down your neck, over your shoulders, down your arms, down your torso, down your legs, and moving out through your feet. Notice a sense of inner awareness. For example, even with your eyes closed, you are aware of your hands and feet; you can feel an aliveness within them. Allow your attention to move from "thinking" to "sensation." Use these moments to re-connect with your body and release any tension within. The body scan is a classic relaxation technique.

There is a time and place for action and reaction, but there's also a place for the pleasure of stillness. You may not be able to get to the yoga mat, your barbells, or your sneakers. But you can take a moment to lean back and relax into the peacefulness of just sitting there.

Work sucks

By Nataly Kogan, CEO of Happier

You know how some days at work just drive you crazy? The kind when nothing seems to go your way; when you feel like you're getting nothing done; when yojr colleagues or boss are being the opposite of nice, and when all you want to do is collapse on your couch in front of the TV?

Yeah, those days. Those days suck -- let’s just get that out of the way. And most of the time you can’t just leave and get to your couch because...you’re at work and you have a job to do. So here are 5 things you can do instead to help you deal with stress at work. They may not feel as comfy as your couch or get you as far away from your office frustrations as you would like, but they’ll help you get through the rest of the day with the least amount of swearing and hair-pulling:

Step. Away. Now. Whatever your job is, there’s got to be a way that you can step away from your desk or station for a few minutes. When you’re frustrated or stressing out, you won’t be productive anyway, and those feelings will continue to escalate if you don’t change your setting. If you can, go for a short walk -- when getting outside is not an option, take a spin around your office or work area. Or walk over and chat with a colleague (one that isn’t driving you nuts, preferably). Or stare at the goldfish in the aquarium (if your workplace has one). Anything works as long as you literally walk away from where you usually spend most of your workday.

Make a plan for a mini-break tonight. It would be nice if you could follow every bad day at work with a day at the spa, but that’s a fantasy-solution for most of us. Still, you can plan a mini-break at home when you get out of work. To start chilling out, actually write down what you plan to do. It could look something like this:

Change into my fave yoga pants and huge sweater
Make hot chocolate (the really good kind)
Chill on the couch for a half hour, reading magazines
If time, take a bath with those awesome-smelling bath salts.
Writing this down will make it more real, and anticipating this mini-break when you get home will help you have a more positive attitude for the rest of your workday.

Send an SOS message to a friend. Text or email a friend who always manages to make you feel good and tell them you’re about to lose it. Letting someone know how you’re feeling lets you release some of the stress and your friend will likely say something to make you feel even slightly better. Sometimes just getting validation that “Yes, I do think your boss is absolutely positively insane for doing that!” feels great.

Do something super nice for a colleague. You’ve heard that doing nice things for others is the fastest way to feel better. Well, if you haven’t heard, it’s true -- a lot of research supports it and Deepak Chopra says it’s the fastest way to feel happier. So when you’re about to lose it shift your focus entirely to doing something nice for a colleague. Bring them their favorite snack. Invite them out for coffee or bring them their usual beverage. Leave a funny note on their desk. You can do the tiniest thing, as long as you it will make them smile and you don’t expect anything in return.

Treat yourself to something tiny but awesome. Buying stuff isn’t going to remove work stress but treating yourself to a little something awesome will make you feel a little better. Here are some ideas for inexpensive sparkly things that help you smile. Baublebar has some really fun jewelry that won’t cost you a ton. Etsy is a fun place to browse for things like pretty journals or coffee mugs

Are you living a life you enjoy?

My mother in law celebrates her 75th birthday this month.  Her words of wisdom to us, "at 75 years old the only thing that matters is family, everything else is superfluousness."  She has enjoyed her 75 years of family gatherings from when she was a child to the present day, traveling Europe, the Amazon, and all over the United States.  She has had a successful career.  She raised three awesome children (one of which is my husband), has witnessed the family grow by marriages and births and lost loved ones by death.  Why did I choose to write about her? Well, John Maxwell said "nothing is more encouraging and motivating than to be around an enthusiastic person."  He was discussing his father on one of his "Minutes with Maxwell “and stated his father was living till he died.  Live till you die.  He said "there are people who are living but they have already died....It's a choice.  Look at the positive of life, when you enjoy what you are doing people enjoy being around you."  I think she has enjoyed and continues to enjoy living.  She always said to us when she was traveling that if she died while on a trip for us not to worry or cry as she enjoyed her life and she was living it to the fullest.  Enjoy your life and choose to live!!!!!  

If you have questions or are struggling to enjoy life, please contact Amy Cole, M.S.,LPC, aka The Bucket Lady at LTCC.  

Happy, Happy, Happy

Did you know there is a science behind happiness?  There is!!!!!  Richard Davidson, neuroscientist of University of Wisconsin-Madison explains we can teach ourselves to be happy.  “We don’t really think of happiness as a skill, but everything we’ve learned about the brain suggests that it’s no different from learning to play the violin or learning to engage in a complex sport.  If you practice at it, you’ll get better at it.”  The basic premise is the more we think on, meditate on happiness, gratitude, feeling confident, being successful, being loved and lovable, the more we strengthen the neurons in our brain cells to fire, to fire more intensely, and for longer, they are going to wire together to create a bond of inner strength.  Sounds cheesy, but Richard Hanson a neuropsychologist(and author of Hardwiring Happiness, The New Brain of Science of Contentment,Calm and Confidence) states the “neurons that fire together, wire together.”

We on the other hand, are wired to look for the bad stuff.  The brain as described by Hanson is “like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” 

So how can we re-wire our brains?  Take in the GOOD.  Every day we encounter moments that are positive. They may be insignificant but they can help change the hardwiring in our brains.  Appreciate the good moments, linger on them (this increases their intensity and duration in our brains), maximize the positive, laugh, find happiness in the small things.  Maintain a sense of wonder.  Remember when your kids were kids and how they viewed the world.  See the world thru their eyes. Practice Mindfulness, being still and taking in all the wonder around you.  The world has good in it.  We need to look for it.  And when you do, you will start re-wiring your brain to look for it and find happiness.

If you have questions about finding happiness, contact the “bucket lady” aka Amy Cole at Life Tree Counseling Center, Inc. or any of the other great therapists there and they will help you find happiness.   

Logic vs Heart

A lady was having a discussion about buying a car. She mentioned it was Logic vs. her heart. 

I started thinking about Logic vs Heart. 

 

Logic vs. Heart

Thoughts vs Emotions

Facts vs. Feelings

Truth vs. Distortions

It seems to me this is what part of counseling is about. Are your thoughts factual or have they become distorted through your environment, experiences from history, what other people tell you? Remember emotions/feelings are like a rollercoaster. One minute happy, next sad. One minute angry, next laughing. 

So how do you get off the roller coaster? Begin by changing your thoughts. Ask yourself is this thought based in fact, based on truth, based on logic or is based on something else? 

For more information about how to change your thoughts, here are some links:

www.beckinstitute.com/cognitive-behavior

www.lifetreecounseling.com

blogs.psychcentral.com.    (The Neuroscience of Changing Toxic Thinking Patterns